She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
