oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
