I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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