shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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