My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
