Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
