I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
