Michael Bay diarrhea
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
