May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I will pee on everything he values.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
