the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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