I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
