I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so much tequila, so little girl.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
