Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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