We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
