So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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