I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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