If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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