dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
