I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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