I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
