I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
