if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
