I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize