My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
