my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
