Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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