my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
