hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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