It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
