There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
