Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
