A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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