I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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