god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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