I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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