sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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