Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's rum buckets o'clock
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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