I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
