When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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