I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
