Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In other news, I just burned my penis
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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