Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
