Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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