Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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