And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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