the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
