I CAN MOONWALK!
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
