I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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