What did we do last night that was yellow?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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