Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
