I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
