I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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