There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
