she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
