I can text with my tongue
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
