I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
