Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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